Until today I never knew anyone with H.I.V or AIDS, it was one of those things that you hear about, read about, or see in reports on TV. It was the acronym among numbers and statistics and was as connected to me as missiles or wars in far off places, a reality, but not a reality I have to deal with up close and personal. That was until today.
My friend had known that their behavior was risky, but risk was part of the territory for their sexuality it would seem. They saved me the details, suffice to say that the sex they were having wasn’t sex I would have. Anonymous faceless stolen sex where the thrill is perhaps in the anonymity and the risk. These weren’t you average one night stands, they weren’t one night anythings. They were sexual encounters that were brief enough not to get caught but long enough to regret forever. “You don’t need details Simon” I was told. “You wouldn’t understand.”
They told me they were having some tests done. Tests that a person in their position would be wise to have once in a while. They were concerned though, worried at the prospect that they had caught something and that the something might be terrible. I did what a good friend does, I reassured. “You’ll be fine, everything will be okay.” But really, what did I know, and as comforting as my words tried to be, the truth cannot be cushioned with a lie.
The day of their appointment at the hospital I called them to see how things had gone, sure that while they might have caught something, it wouldn’t be that. They were walking along a busy street and I was driving my car with the roof down, between us the combined traffic noise made it hard to hear one another, but this wasn’t a call I wanted to delay, like them I needed to know.
“I can’t really hear you.” I said “But just answer me one thing. Have you got H.I.V?” The question was to the point, blunt and without the usual dressing they might have expected from me on such an important matter. Oddly enough I know that bluntness would have been appreciated, their answer was equally as unembellished. “Yes.”
No words were exchanged for quite a few seconds after that. We shared traffic noise and nothing more, what do you say at a moment like that? It’s not a moment you rehearse in front of the mirror in your bathroom.
What now? My friend has H.I.V and I have no idea what this really means in day to day terms. I have no experience to draw upon. I’m in shock. My friend has H.I.V. Suddenly that acronym means something, it has a face, and the reality has come home to stay.
Wrote the following comment on Jul 3, 2006 at 4:25 pm
H.I.V. isn’t the death knell it once was. There are many effective treatments available, although there is growing drug resistance. Unfortunately most of the drugs used to battle the infection aren’t very pleasant.
I’m old enough to remember the nightmare times for HIV/AIDS when we had no resources. I actually worked at the St. Stephen’s Clinic in 1997. The advances are simply amazing.
Wrote the following comment on Jul 3, 2006 at 4:33 pm
Yikes….tough situation. I have personally know 2 people, but I wasnt close to either one…and I wouldnt know what to say to them if I was. I dont know if you are asking for advice on how you should react or what to say, but obv you need a second chance with your friend to be more sensitive to this situation. I can tell you this…obv they had the fast test (fast results), which is famously known for false-pos result. I knew 2 people who had this test and their Dr’s advised them to get The Western Blot which takes 1-2 for weeks for results. With this one they expose your blood to HIV and watch to see how your blood reacts…if you have anit-bodies or not (meaning you already have it). And I do know there are more false-pos than neg.
I wish I could give advice on how to console your firend or how to approach it. I guess you just have to come to this person as a friend and reassure them that you will support them and you do not thinkof them differently. The worst part of it is the stigma obv. After they get over the inital shock…support groups are very vital. There are people out there that can support and give advice on how they have lived with it. There is also a magazine called POS, that I read while getting my nails done the other day. Ok… I’ll get off my tangent…I think your friend just needs support right now…thats my advice.
Wrote the following comment on Jul 3, 2006 at 8:23 pm
So sorry to hear that. I wouldn’t know what to say either. Love is an adjective though isn’t it? Love them and that will help in any situation.
Wrote the following comment on Jul 3, 2006 at 9:23 pm
I don’t think there is really anything I can say that will make you feel any better about what you’ve just found out about your friend. I suppose the best thing you can do is to support your friend and be there for them.
Wrote the following comment on Jul 3, 2006 at 10:43 pm
Wow, Simon. That’s pretty heavy stuff. The first time I got to know anyone with HIV was when I worked in the prison system. I was responsible for monitoring their care and learned a lot about AIDs and HIV. That was awhile ago and there have been so many advances in treatment since then. Please remember that even if you don’t have the “right” words, presence can sometimes speak volumes that words cannot. A hug, an understanding eye to eye look, or just holding one’s hand can have its own healing value. Learn along with him/her, how to live life w/HIV to it’s fullness. This can help to develop common ground. The confidence of knowing that you will be there to support him/her can be incredible. Knowing you over the past year or so I believe you’ll do find!!!
Wrote the following comment on Jul 4, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Simon, so sorry to hear about you and your friend. I will be praying for you both.
I have a dear friend who has lived as an HIV postive man since the mid-80’s. I understand he’s somewhat of an anomaly…but AnatomicSD is right. It’s not the grim reaper it was at one time. My friend is healthier than most people I know and could well out live us ALL! Still, the trauma and shock your friend is experiencing can be quite debilitating and most certainly will take a long while to come to terms with.
I will be praying for you both. I know you to be a wonderful friend and have all the confidence that, while you may feel unequipped for this new job as friend, you will do a fabulous job.
Wrote the following comment on Jul 5, 2006 at 6:03 am
wow simon. i am so sorry to hear this.
Wrote the following comment on Jul 5, 2006 at 4:48 pm
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. All you can really do is learn as much as you can about it and although you may not know what to say, sometimes just having someone to listen is what people need the most.
Wrote the following comment on Jul 5, 2006 at 10:21 pm
Your friend, your poor friend, I am so sorry to hear this. I do not know what it would feel like to be given such news, how would it affect or change a person? I am so sorry to hear this. Certainly your friendship will be necessary to this person in the coming months. And certainly it will be a comfort.