It’s England’s national day today, Saint George’s day. So with that in mind I hope you’ll all go out tonight, wherever you are in the world, and celebrate this day in true English style.
Of course, I’m not entirely sure what ‘English style’ might be. I’m trying to think what our best cultural export is, or at least what it is we’re best known for. The Irish have music and Guinness, the Scotts have Haggis and caber tossing, the Welsh have leeks, and the English, well… we have red telephone boxes and football hooligans.
So with this in mind I think that everyone should go out to a bar tonight and in their best English accent they should aggressively engage a complete stranger with the following traditional line.
“Oi, wojafink yo’re lookin’ at?”
Don’t wait for a response. Simply wait for eye contact and a puzzled expression, at which point make a lunge forward and wallop the chosen individual right in the face making sure to knock over their drink in the process.
A good English bar brawl should involve very little actual fist contact or injury. Instead the participants should simply flounder around knocking stuff over. Ideally this should last no more than between 1 to 3 minutes before you return to your feet, fists comically at the ready while slurring obscenities and reciting traditional English verses like “Yeah, c’mon then wanka! I’ll av ya!”
The slurring obscenities should only continue for approximately the same time as the ‘fight’ lasted before you turn you back on the other person and accept the equally drunken applause of your gathered mates.
Note : Starting a fight with the same person is simply not cricket (not fair) though shooting ‘evils’ (tough looking stares) is entirely acceptable, but only for less than 10 seconds at a time.
Of course your English fight should not involve weaponry of any form, and the breaking of pub furniture for use as weapons is strictly forbidden as the publican (bar owner) is always ‘ye mate’ (and usually called Terry of Dave).
If you wish to progress to the next level of English culture then you might choose to fight over a girl. In this case the said female must always be three sizes larger than the skimpy clothes she should not ever have dreamed of wearing, and she must be wearing so much fake tan that she appears to be a giant living breathing satsuma.
Females who would like to engage in the traditional English fight are allowed to remove their high heels and beat the living shit out of one another with their heels while pulling each others hair and screaming “Ya bitch, ya bitch, ya bitch!” for the duration of the fight.
Warning : Girl fights are always far more dangerous than guy fights and will likely result in injury and possible arrest by unarmed police who simply break up the fight by saying “That’s enough ladies!”
And remember everyone, it’s not the winning that important, it’s the taking part. Have a great St. George’s day, and God save the Queen!
Wrote the following comment on Apr 23, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Ahhh the English public… don’t ya just love us ;o) xxx
Wrote the following comment on Apr 23, 2007 at 7:11 pm
When I read this I laughed and laughed. And then I thought why am I laughing, this is so true, which when you think about it, it is rather sad really :(
The state of England today.
Wrote the following comment on Apr 23, 2007 at 7:54 pm
lol…thats funny. hmmm I think I will go hit my employee who is insuboordinate and wish her happy st george’s day. b/c she is a bitch!
Wrote the following comment on Apr 23, 2007 at 8:31 pm
As I read your outrageously funny post, I couldn’t help but think of Hugh Grant and Colin Firth fighting in one of the Bridget Jones flicks. Not quite the badass, fists-connecting-to-faces, kinda fights you typically see in the movies, but probably a whole lot more real. Thanks for the laugh.
Wrote the following comment on Apr 23, 2007 at 9:40 pm
LOL, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth are not your average characters you would find in a pub brawl.
Wrote the following comment on Apr 24, 2007 at 2:41 pm
its too bad… i’d love to see hugh grant and colin firth go at it in real life… i’d put my money on colin firth.
so girls fight in pubs too huh… you know, i’ve never been in a physical fight with another girl- only guys (in school)! but what ive seen of the business, its something i will gladly forego.
anyways, happy belated st. george’s day
Wrote the following comment on Apr 28, 2007 at 9:31 am
I recently came across your blog (quite accidentally) when I was actually searching for some stuff on U2 (my fav band), and thats when I read your extremely humorous article on U2 and the inexplicable girl who hasn’t heard of them. Although I wasn’t surprised (I am an Indian, living in India of course, and you will be surprised if anybody here does know them!), but nonetheless it was a good read.
And I returned today to take another look on your blog and found this article. And man, you should have seen me laughing!
Wrote the following comment on Apr 29, 2007 at 1:54 am
Well Animesh, I am happy I made you laugh my friend. Keep coming back and commenting, it’s good to have you here. :-)