It’s England’s national day today, Saint George’s day. So with that in mind I hope you’ll all go out tonight, wherever you are in the world, and celebrate this day in true English style.

Of course, I’m not entirely sure what ‘English style’ might be. I’m trying to think what our best cultural export is, or at least what it is we’re best known for. The Irish have music and Guinness, the Scotts have Haggis and caber tossing, the Welsh have leeks, and the English, well… we have red telephone boxes and football hooligans.

So with this in mind I think that everyone should go out to a bar tonight and in their best English accent they should aggressively engage a complete stranger with the following traditional line.

“Oi, wojafink yo’re lookin’ at?”

Don’t wait for a response. Simply wait for eye contact and a puzzled expression, at which point make a lunge forward and wallop the chosen individual right in the face making sure to knock over their drink in the process.

A good English bar brawl should involve very little actual fist contact or injury. Instead the participants should simply flounder around knocking stuff over. Ideally this should last no more than between 1 to 3 minutes before you return to your feet, fists comically at the ready while slurring obscenities and reciting traditional English verses like “Yeah, c’mon then wanka! I’ll av ya!”

The slurring obscenities should only continue for approximately the same time as the ‘fight’ lasted before you turn you back on the other person and accept the equally drunken applause of your gathered mates.

Note : Starting a fight with the same person is simply not cricket (not fair) though shooting ‘evils’ (tough looking stares) is entirely acceptable, but only for less than 10 seconds at a time.

Of course your English fight should not involve weaponry of any form, and the breaking of pub furniture for use as weapons is strictly forbidden as the publican (bar owner) is always ‘ye mate’ (and usually called Terry of Dave).

If you wish to progress to the next level of English culture then you might choose to fight over a girl. In this case the said female must always be three sizes larger than the skimpy clothes she should not ever have dreamed of wearing, and she must be wearing so much fake tan that she appears to be a giant living breathing satsuma.

Females who would like to engage in the traditional English fight are allowed to remove their high heels and beat the living shit out of one another with their heels while pulling each others hair and screaming “Ya bitch, ya bitch, ya bitch!” for the duration of the fight.

Warning : Girl fights are always far more dangerous than guy fights and will likely result in injury and possible arrest by unarmed police who simply break up the fight by saying “That’s enough ladies!”

And remember everyone, it’s not the winning that important, it’s the taking part. Have a great St. George’s day, and God save the Queen!