OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR
I’m not an open book. I don’t pour my heart out in public, though sometimes it might look like I do, and although I am sitting here writing this, I’ve been here before and simply just not posted the words. These words, this process, is perhaps my therapy. Maybe it’s distraction, maybe by writing this I don’t actually have to think about it that much. Ah, what the fuck do I know?
I’m just getting knocked about at the moment, that’s all. The road seems to have gotten a little bumpy of late and I’m probably making matters worse by listening to stuff like ‘James’ and ‘Coldplay.’ I keep trying to forget but it seems that the universe is conspiring to remind me all the time. But of what you’re asking right? Well you see that’s the thing, I’m not really sure, and you know what, I actually don’t want people to tell me what they think it is. I think I just want people to say ‘Hey’ and nod as they wander on by and acknowledge that I’m in this place.
Yesterday, I was chatting to my friend Anne in Boston and she told me that Karen, an old friend of mine, is getting married in July. This isn’t bad news of course. I am happy for her. But there’s a little more to the story than just that.
Karen and I became very close back in 1999. I visited her a lot, and she even came to England and NO, we never slept with each other before you assume that. We really were that cliche ‘just good friends.’ I enjoyed her friendship until the day she announced that she was in love with me and that she couldn’t continue to be friends because she couldn’t move on with me in her life. She brought our friendship to an ugly and unpleasant end by telling me that I wasn’t on “God’s Road” before she hung up on me. Click and that was it. You’re not on God’s Road, goodbye.
At the time that burned me real bad. God’s Road? What the fuck? But what I think made things worse is that I think I could see what she meant. And please don’t feel like you need to say some trite Christian comment that will give me clarity or direction. I know what she meant. She put it off for as long as she could, then found the exit and used it. Like someone trying to put out a fire in a burning house might reach that point where they realize the fire needs more than a few buckets of water.
Evidently she’s found someone on God’s good Road. She found him three weeks ago in fact! And in less than a month they have already set a date to be married. July this year!
I think she may have strayed onto God’s race track, but I wish her well in my heart. Hearing that news kind of stopped me in my tracks though, you know what I mean? It made me think about the “road” I’m on.
She’s part of my history right? I know that. But you know that warning ‘objects in mirror are closer than they appear.’ Let me tell you, that’s true!
My photo albums are littered with people who have come and gone through my life like visitors to a theme park, and I guess that I’m having a rare moment of vulnerability feeling like maybe my whole life is just a theme park. A fun place to visit but not a great place to stay.
And you know what, maybe it’s the saddest thing of all, but despite having a phone book full of numbers and a life full of friends, many of whom have been close friends since forever, I’m sitting here writing about this shit on my blog instead of talking to one of them about this.
So forgive me for this rare moment of self pity if you will. I’ll be fine later. I’m just feeling a bit like Disneyland right now.
Wrote the following comment on Mar 15, 2006 at 5:10 pm
I know where you are at and am sorry that you’re there. The good thing is you won’t be there forever. My photo albums are also “littered with people who have come and gone through my life like visitors to a theme park.” Sometimes I even feel this way toward my very own birth family. But things will get better. Really they will. :-(
Wrote the following comment on Mar 15, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Xanga’s a great outlet for carthatic purges and free writes to find perspectives. Indulge as you need and will… is when this place serves us best, being a space to purge!
Wrote the following comment on Mar 15, 2006 at 5:14 pm
Wow- my hat is off to you for being so vunerable. I too- am sorry about the Disneyland crap right now.
Wrote the following comment on Mar 15, 2006 at 7:16 pm
hey. bummer. nothing trite from someone you don’t know, but i do hope it gets better soon.
Wrote the following comment on Mar 15, 2006 at 7:56 pm
*Hugs* I wish I had something smart or witty to say.
Wrote the following comment on Mar 16, 2006 at 6:25 am
I’m telling you Simon – you are WAY more than an amusement park.
Wrote the following comment on Mar 16, 2006 at 7:22 am
Thanks everyone. I was just feeling particularly knocked about last night when I wrote that. I said I’d feel fine again quickly, and I am. I’m kinda like that, I can roll with the punches but every so often you have to kinda sit there and rub your head for a while before you get up for more. Know what I mean? :-)
Wrote the following comment on Mar 16, 2006 at 9:03 am
simon, im really proud of you for writing all that out. im glad youre my friend and im glad that you were being honest in a moment of weakness. glad youre feeling better now.
GREAT post.
Wrote the following comment on Mar 16, 2006 at 3:58 am
I think your life is very interesting and the shit will pass. This is what “legends” are made of ! (wink) Hug from me…dont squish my size C. :)
Wrote the following comment on Mar 16, 2006 at 4:38 am
Man, I am so sorry about how things like this have been happening lately. “Out of sight, out of mind” is a sad reality for many things. I know I can certainly be like that. I easily forget, not only the history, but WHY the history was there and that it could possibly be a map for the future as well…a guide to remind me why these people are in my life. Glad you’re around though….good chatting the other day. Next time it’s on me.
Wrote the following comment on Mar 16, 2006 at 5:06 am
Blame it on the snow.
Wrote the following comment on Mar 16, 2006 at 9:45 am
strange… i wrote a similar post the other day (although i will admit to not having the guts to lay myself out on the table like you just did).
i’ve been in that place (for what seems like) a million times. and i think it has made me a better friend and a better person to all.
i’ve learned that words mean nothing and actions mean everything. so if someone doesn’t show you that they love you, then they don’t. and that’s nobodys loss but theirs.
cheers!
Wrote the following comment on Mar 16, 2006 at 7:09 pm
Poor Simon! You have seemed not your usual self lately. :-(