I’m not an open book. I don’t pour my heart out in public, though sometimes it might look like I do, and although I am sitting here writing this, I’ve been here before and simply just not posted the words. These words, this process, is perhaps my therapy. Maybe it’s distraction, maybe by writing this I don’t actually have to think about it that much. Ah, what the fuck do I know?

I’m just getting knocked about at the moment, that’s all. The road seems to have gotten a little bumpy of late and I’m probably making matters worse by listening to stuff like ‘James’ and ‘Coldplay.’ I keep trying to forget but it seems that the universe is conspiring to remind me all the time. But of what you’re asking right? Well you see that’s the thing, I’m not really sure, and you know what, I actually don’t want people to tell me what they think it is. I think I just want people to say ‘Hey’ and nod as they wander on by and acknowledge that I’m in this place.

Yesterday, I was chatting to my friend Anne in Boston and she told me that Karen, an old friend of mine, is getting married in July. This isn’t bad news of course. I am happy for her. But there’s a little more to the story than just that.

Karen and I became very close back in 1999. I visited her a lot, and she even came to England and NO, we never slept with each other before you assume that. We really were that cliche ‘just good friends.’ I enjoyed her friendship until the day she announced that she was in love with me and that she couldn’t continue to be friends because she couldn’t move on with me in her life. She brought our friendship to an ugly and unpleasant end by telling me that I wasn’t on “God’s Road” before she hung up on me. Click and that was it. You’re not on God’s Road, goodbye.

At the time that burned me real bad. God’s Road? What the fuck? But what I think made things worse is that I think I could see what she meant. And please don’t feel like you need to say some trite Christian comment that will give me clarity or direction. I know what she meant. She put it off for as long as she could, then found the exit and used it. Like someone trying to put out a fire in a burning house might reach that point where they realize the fire needs more than a few buckets of water.

Evidently she’s found someone on God’s good Road. She found him three weeks ago in fact! And in less than a month they have already set a date to be married. July this year!

I think she may have strayed onto God’s race track, but I wish her well in my heart. Hearing that news kind of stopped me in my tracks though, you know what I mean? It made me think about the “road” I’m on.

She’s part of my history right? I know that. But you know that warning ‘objects in mirror are closer than they appear.’ Let me tell you, that’s true!

My photo albums are littered with people who have come and gone through my life like visitors to a theme park, and I guess that I’m having a rare moment of vulnerability feeling like maybe my whole life is just a theme park. A fun place to visit but not a great place to stay.

And you know what, maybe it’s the saddest thing of all, but despite having a phone book full of numbers and a life full of friends, many of whom have been close friends since forever, I’m sitting here writing about this shit on my blog instead of talking to one of them about this.

So forgive me for this rare moment of self pity if you will. I’ll be fine later. I’m just feeling a bit like Disneyland right now.