With a car that cost less than £100, and a roadtrip of more than a 1000 miles ahead of us, myself and 3 friends Gav, Fozzy and Jon, were all fired up and raring to hit the road to the farthest reaches of Scotland and back. We dubbed the trip ‘4 Lads 1 Crap Car.’
Filled with the excitement and energy only the first day of a vacation can bring, we loaded our luggage into the back of our ‘crap car,’ a Rover 420 D. The dented and scratched stone grey car with its electric windows and electric sunroof seemed almost too luxurious to be called a ‘crap car.’ We all agreed that we could have done a lot worse with our £100 budget. Indeed, after the seller gave us £5 for diesel and finding £1.25 in change in various places throughout the vehicle, the car effectively cost just £93.75.
Like all old cars it wasn’t without its quirks. A long brake and soft throttle peddle were par for the course, but a problem with the wiring meant that the car had to be push started or hot-wired into life.
On the morning of our departure Gav’s neighbors looked on and laughed as we made several runs up and down the road pushing the car, noisily willing it to start, but try as we may the Rover steadfastly refused to wake from slumber.
In the end, after a visit from the RAC and replacing the starter motor, Jon realised that the car had a factory fitted immobolizer. With a simple press of the button on the key fob we were in business, albeit a little later than planned and somewhat embarrassed at our less than impressive problem solving skills. Lesson one = Always read the manual!
Initially we had planned to avoid all motorways, electing instead to use the smaller more interesting roads. However, given our later than expected departure we decided to take to the M6 to make up time with the hope of reaching Edinburgh by evening as planned.
At 7:30pm we crossed the border from England to Scotland, stopping to take a picture by the large ‘Welcome to Scotland’ sign. Not long after that we found a camp site, set up our tent, then headed into Edinburgh for dinner and beer.
DAY TWO
Following an unexpectedly cold night in the tent we were up bright and early. After a hearty breakfast of what Jon dubbed “an entire farmyard” we were back on the road heading north through Edinburgh where I snapped the worst ever picture of a Scotsman playing bagpipes!
Having not touched a drop of alcohol, despite the fact that we stopped at a local distillery for a dram or two of Whisky, Jon authoritatively informed us that Loch Ness ran the entire length of Scotland. But what he lacked in geographic knowledge he certainly made up for in speed. We quickly nicknamed our speedy friend ‘Motorway Jon’ on account of the fact he seemed to be driving as if he believed they might move John O’Groats before we got there.
Occasionally stopping to snap pictures and (allegedly) enhance roadside speed cameras, we continued north, consuming miles like a fat kid chomping through a bag full of McNastiness.
Visiting various distilleries along the way Gav, Foz, and I did our best to fake intellectual interest in the free Scotch on what could only be described as some kind of low budget ‘Down it and Dash Whisky tour.’
One distillery reluctantly let us in for a tasting with just five minutes before they closed. We chugged the delicately crafted and carefully aged Whisky like it was cheap Tequila served in a Mexican whore house.
The sturdy Scottish lady serving us then rudely told us to leave by simply saying “Go now” and showing us the door. Apparently our accelerated enjoyment methods are not widely adopted by Single Malt drinking Whisky connoisseurs.
Finding a camp site for the second night proved difficult as site owners told us they only took families and couples and not groups. With this in mind I called another site and when told they only took families and couples I told them we were two gay couples.
I was initially met with silence before the man on the phone asked me if we were married. This threw me somewhat, so I claimed that one of us was a married gay couple and the other were fairly serious about their gay love.
Again there was a brief pause as the person on the phone relayed this information to someone else in the background (possibly his wife).
“You’re married?” He asked again in his hard Scottish accent.
“Yes.” I answered.
“And you’re gay!?” He exclaimed in a tone filled with shock and disbelief. Presumably he wasn’t interested in the answer because with that he said something else that I couldn’t quite understand, then hung up on me.
Eventually we found a site that was prepared to take a group and after a ‘Jon Style’ barbecue, a few beers, and a game of pool in a local pub, we settled in for the night in our tent.
Our sleep, if you can call it that, was punctuated by heavy trucks passing just inches from us on one side with freight trains making the ground shake as they passed only a few feet away on the other side. Then at some ungodly hour Foz left the tent to find relief in the bushes, shattering the brief moment of silence in which sleep may have dwelled.
DAY THREE
The next day I took the wheel and livened things up by doing a handbrake turn in the grounds of some grandiose historic castle. A little later I took a wrong turn and drove the wrong way down a one way street. As disgusted locals glared at us I lent out of the window saying “Sorry, don’t be angry, we’re French.”
Pretty soon we were pulling into John O’Groats, the most popular northerly settlement of mainland Great Britain. Spirits were high as we saw the coastline where the Atlantic Ocean meets the North Sea, and as we climbed out of our crap car at the top of our island we all felt a sense of achievement. Our £93.75 car and us had made it to John O’Groats!
With a bottle of cheap champagne each we made our way down to the beach and sprayed their contents into the air like winning race car drivers. For me, this was a highlight. Sure, we hadn’t scaled Mount Everest or navigated our way to the North Pole, but we had made it to John O’Groats and as minor as that might be, it was a goal achieved, and a moment in friendship I doubt any of us will soon forget.
John O’Groats itself is an uninspiring charmless place, more attractive in the imagination than the fact. The average length of a visit here is reportedly just ten minutes and it’s not hard to see why. There is a disused and crumbling old hotel, an overpriced coffee shop, some temporary buildings, and a signpost manned by an odd little man in a century box who will take your picture for a fee.
Of course, we had to have our picture taken by the sign with the car we had now named ‘Defiance.’ The odd little man muttered incoherently as we posed by our crap car on what would surely be it’s final adventure. A little while later, after another hotwired start, we were back on the road, this time heading south… Heading for home.
HOMEWARD BOUND
From the top of Scotland we set a course for home through the rugged and rolling highlands of the breathtakingly spectacular west coast. By now the brakes on the car were seriously soft as the brake pads were pretty much completely worn down. Gav raised some concern about the cars deteriorating ability to come to a timely stop, but this far from home our options were limited. We had little choice but to continue and try to use the brakes sparingly.
The scenery in this part of the world is simply awesome, enough even to bring ‘Motorway Jon’ to a halt from time to time. We would stop beside the road, get out of the car and just stand in awe at the scenes before us.
The rapidly changing weather only added drama to vistas that made me wish I were a painter. Cotton wool clouds clung to mountain tops while sun beams pierced through gaps in dark blanket clouds resting over lush green valleys. For a while our car, usually alive with banter, was brought to silence.
With the evening drawing in we found a camp site to pitch our tent and settled in for the night. Another barbecue dinner was washed down with beer as darkness descended upon us bringing our third day on the road to a close.
DAY FOUR
Having slept in every single item of clothing I had brought with me, I awoke early, revived and full of life. The others were still asleep so I went for a walk to watch the dawn, but it was cold and I got bored so I headed back to the tent to wake the lads up. Oddly enough they didn’t seem appreciate my hearty rendition of ‘Morning Has Broken’ or any of the other songs I sang until they got up.
As we dismantled the tent we were swarmed by the most ferocious miniature mosquitoes. Such was the scale of their attack that we simply threw everything into the car and made off like bank robbers. As we sped away we hung our heads out of the window to blow the mosquitoes off our faces. Somehow I managed to escape relatively unscathed but the lads were so badly bitten that they looked like they had some kind of contagious disease!
From breakfast in Ullapool we sped south stopping frequently for photographs that would surely do the subject matter little justice. With our ever fading brakes now making excruciatingly painful noises we scraped our way down to Loch Ness (that runs the entire length of Scotland don’t you know!), through the valleys of Ben Nevis and Glencoe, and on to Loch Lomond and Glasgow. By the evening we had once again crossed the border into England, finding a campsite in north Cumbria for our last night on the road.
DAY FIVE
As we drove the last few miles toward home I thought about how I would remember this road trip, how I would read the twitter posts we had made through the week, and how I would write about this on my blog. I wondered about the moments and phrases that will be recalled in the future, the memories that will stay with each of us, frozen in time like flickering traces of crystal locked forever in stone.
Maybe I’m just the sentimental type, but as we began seeing signs for familiar places I thought about how this road trip, how 4 Lads 1 Crap Car, will stand in our history like a pin in a map.
It’s times like these that make all the rainy days and pointless meetings at work worthwhile. Memories like these that add flavor to who we are as we soak up the richness and color of these stories over the years.
Despite the fact that all of us could easily have afforded to make the roadtrip in a far better vehicle, or travel to a more expensive getaway location, here we were laughing and having a blast in a car that cost just £93.75 and that got us all the way to the top of our island and back again.
So as we neared the end of our 1000 mile road trip I was happy to once again learn that of all the things we ascribe value to in the world, the most valuable of things in life rarely has a price tag to match.
Gav, Jon, Fozzy… Thanks guys, I had a blast!
FOOTNOTE: The lads and I decided that we would donate any money we made from scrapping the car to a local childrens hospice and a charity that helps Britain”s wounded soldiers. Amazingly we sold the car for £120 to a scrap metal dealer, so we will be donating £100 to Claire House and £20 to Help for Heroes.
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4 Lads 1 Crap Car Twitter posts
4 Lads 1 Crap Car video in HQ
4 Lads 1 Crap Car (Pre-journey post)
As summer fades (Part 2)
What a start
Wrote the following comment on Aug 22, 2009 at 8:19 am
LOL!!!
That was hilarious! One of you laugh like a girl though in that video!
Love the barby :D And the signs.
And as always the gorgeous pictures made me sigh. I will have to go back to Scotland one day.
Thanks Simon and the Lads for a great giggle!
Wrote the following comment on Aug 22, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Simon, the trip looks a blast! The pics are fantastic. The vid made me laugh, love then end! :-D
Wrote the following comment on Aug 23, 2009 at 8:01 pm
4 Lads 1 crap car! LOL! That looks like a great trip. It makes me want to suggest to my mates that we do the same thing. Great post, great pictures, and good on you all for giving the £120 to charity. You should have got sponsorship for each mile you completed. Next time maybe ;-)
Wrote the following comment on Aug 24, 2009 at 12:44 am
“Emergency Pornothologist on call” Oh my word! lol
The video is very funny and well done to you all for giving the money to charity.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 24, 2009 at 12:49 am
The week was a complete blast, one for the books and not to be forgotten in a lifetime….
These guys are my true best friends, and through all the trauma, laughs and smells we achieved our challenge!!
Guys, thank you for the best camping trip ever, your top mates and we should start planning the next trip….??
Red Square?
: )
Wrote the following comment on Aug 24, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I enjoy your travel journals. Great pictures too.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 24, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Simon, you are starting to look like a white Stevie Wonder :-)
Wrote the following comment on Aug 25, 2009 at 4:47 pm
That looked like a fun few days. A few mates and I did something similar around Italy a couple of years ago. We found ourselves and old Fiat Panda and planned to drive from Milan to Palermo. The car developed a terminal fault about half way through our second day not far from Pisa. We bused the rest of the way.
You should go the same thing around Ireland some time.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 25, 2009 at 8:59 pm
looks like good times!
Wrote the following comment on Aug 26, 2009 at 3:11 am
Great post that. I want to see Scotland one day, though in something a little more comfortable than a crap car and a tent!
So tell us, did you get any takers on the “Your picture naked with this car FREE!”
Wrote the following comment on Aug 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm
No Doug, we never had any takers on the naked picture offer.
It’s funny, while on the trip I kept saying to the guys that we should do the same next year but this time drive to Red Square. Since getting back I’ve been watching ‘Long Way Round’ with Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman going around the world on motorcycles, and it makes me feel like we should probably just do the Red Square idea! I think that would be crazy fun! We could get sponsored for charity and all kinds I think.
I always feel a little uneasily tethered every time I return from any expedition, no matter how small.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 26, 2009 at 3:54 pm
It’s not the destination that is important Simon, it’s the journey! But I get the feeling that you know this well already.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 26, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I can only imagine what the snobs at The Macallen would have said had you pulled up in their lot in the crap car…I suspect they would have been still booked up!
Thanks for sharing your adventure – personally I enjoyed the story and photos all the more because I wasn’t there. Not much of a “roughin it” kinda girl!
Wrote the following comment on Aug 27, 2009 at 12:57 am
This whole adventure reminds me of a certain Top Gear episode…
Wrote the following comment on Aug 27, 2009 at 2:31 pm
You lads should have got out of the car and gone on a few hikes! 4 days to see Scotland! Why the rush?
Wrote the following comment on Aug 27, 2009 at 10:25 pm
@ Matt – I think the guys were a little inspired by some of the stuff they’ve seen on Top Gear. I don’t watch the show myself but I have seen their US road trip, indeed I posted a link to it on my blog a while back because it made me laugh so much :-)
@ Ron – Believe me Ron, I wanted to get out an go exploring or at the very least get off the main drag and explore some of the back roads. Unfortunately Motorway Jon sprung a shortened time limit on the trip due to work commitments.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 29, 2009 at 5:35 am
I followed the journey and the experiences.. Simon you make it feel as if we were there with you all. Simon have you considered get these blogs published.. We all love our technology, wouldn’t be without it but people do still love books and you are a writer and illustrator without a doubt. Happy to recommend a publisher and hey, you could do a blog about getting it published and that could be the last blog in the first published edition… and so it could go on. You are what 30 odd? Many editions left in you then!! Good luck on your next adventure
Wrote the following comment on Aug 29, 2009 at 7:31 pm
You guys are truly charitable. I would’ve donated the £100, and kept the £20 for drinks and food. XD
Also, is that a real number on that card? I seriously hope not, but if it is, did anyone call? ^^
Wrote the following comment on Aug 30, 2009 at 2:01 am
I’ve just added the picture that the strange muttering man took of us all at the sign at John O’Groats. Gav got it in the mail today. (Yes, the guy actually uses film!)
@ Lyna – You know what, I’ve wanted to publish a little book of my favorite Meanwhile’s and blog posts. But it’s finding the time and having the confidence to believe anyone else would be the slightest bit interested in such a book!
@ Luli – Yes that number really called us. It is a divert number which we set to call one of our mobile phones. Nobody actually rang it which could either because we drove okay, or because Jon was going so fast that nobody could get the number down quick enough! :-)
Wrote the following comment on Aug 30, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I understand Simon but truly it would work..it doesn’t need to be right now hey just had a thought!! Just a suggestion. I’m a student and have less assignments to do this coming twelve months and was wondering about the extra time I’d have to fill. Had thought of setting up a small business again to run along side studying. Instead, if it appealed to you I would be happy to do the donkey work for you. Give it a bit of thought.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 30, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Simon as for the confidence side myself and friends would definitely buy a copy, I can get sales at college and then uni next year. Friends/family you have would almost certainly want one not to mention Waterstones!! One of my friends is a publisher and I write too, if that helps you realise you do have a skill worth extending. No rush or pressure but have a think about it ok. Looking forward to your next blog.
Wrote the following comment on Sep 5, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Hey Simon,
We often grumble I agree but is french people have this reputation of being bad drivers?
I am french & I am a good driver even with an english car in england!
Why did you choose french as bad drivers?
Is it because the French accent is the best you are able to imitate? :)
It’s just a question because, anyway, I think it’s funny!
Wrote the following comment on Sep 7, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@ Lyna – I’ve actually done a little research on creating a book. I would dearly love to create a little book of my writing and photography, if for nobody else but for me! If I do end up creating one, I’ll let everyone here know for sure. Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate that.
@ Delphine – Ah I’ve been busted by a real French person! Ooops! So why did I choose the French for that sign? No reason really, I was just being goofy. I thought it would make people laugh is all, and I didn’t think I’d get busted! :-)
Wrote the following comment on Sep 8, 2009 at 11:42 am
You’re welcome Simon (for the encouragement). We will all look out for confirmation of your book…I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. In meantime, will continue to enjoy your blog and have recommended it to a friend from Nottinghamshire…was telling him about your recent trip to Scotland and what fun it looked. Take it easy .. Lyna
Wrote the following comment on Sep 8, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Now that sounds like it was a lot of fun! Very ‘Top Gear’ of you all. “Don’t be angry we’re French.” LOL!!!
Wrote the following comment on Oct 2, 2009 at 4:56 pm
you are crazy! can’t wait to meet you :P