The other night I watched a TED talk given by anthropologist Helen Fisher who has studied the brains of people who are “madly in love” to see just exactly what’s going on in the their heads. As you might imagine, her results are fascinating.
Fisher is an anthropology professor and human behavior researcher at the Rutgers University who is widely regarded to be the one of the world’s leading expert on the topic of romantic love. She describes love as a universal human drive that is stronger than the sex drive, as well as thirst or hunger, and possibly even the will to live.
Using an MRI scanner Fisher has anylized the brains of 37 “madly in love” people, 17 of whom were happily in love and 15 who were in “bad shape” after having just been dumped. More recently she has examined the brain scans of 5 people who said they were still in love after 10-25 years of marriage.
In her 15 minute TED talk (shown above) Fisher calls love “life’s greatest prize” that has “all the characteristics of an addiction.” Asked if love is spoiled for her due to all her inside knowledge of its workings she compares love to chocolate saying that while you might know what makes a great chocolate cake that doesn’t detract at all from your enjoyment of it.
So, given it’s chemical complexity and it’s emotional power, maybe the following simple sounding question is in actual fact so difficult and complex that I should expect no answers, but out of pure curiosity I’ll ask it nonetheless. In your life, considering your experience, expectations and understandings, what is love?
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Another (earlier) TED talk on love by Helen Fisher
Helen Fisher’s website
Why We Love by Helen Fisher
Wrote the following comment on Aug 11, 2008 at 5:27 am
Evening Si, I believe I have an answer for you. Love is the ex’s cat, who seems to have picked up on the fact that I’m moving out in a few hours time, and who hasn’t left my side all night. She’s completely flea ridden, shits next to the back door, and whines for her supper 24 hours a day, but the companionship that she so freely gives me hides deeper meaning than any of those self validating human ties we bind ourselves with.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 11, 2008 at 5:37 am
Shouldn’t neurobiologists with their brain scanning machines weigh in on this matter if we are going to talk about the brains of people who are in love?
Putting the above aside, I once heard a quote about love that I thought was provocative, and I wanted to properly cite it for you, but when I went to google it I could not find the author. Anyways, the quote goes, “Love is the scent a flower gives when it is crushed underfoot.” I like this quote because it speaks both of the sacrificial nature of genuine love, as well as the idea that love remains good regardless of circumstances.
I realize this is not much of a definition, but come to think of it, I wonder if we can really define love. In the Xian tradition it is said that God is love, and though theologians try to articulate who God is and what he is like, the best one’s acknowledge that at some point God is beyond our ability to articulate. I imagine that if love is divine, it too is ineffable.
For all this, however, I think your question is a good one as the mere attempt can be rewarding.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 11, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I have just taken my best friend back to her home after a stay of two weeks with me… yes, she had come to Rotherham for her Summer holiday! Although in your article you were talking about romantic love, I think there are several types of love (Greek… phileo, agape, eros, etc). My ‘love’ for my friend is deep, sacrificial, all-encompassing. We ‘click’. We’ve been through a lot together over our 14yr friendship. We finish each others sentences, we know what each other is thinking, we’re TOTALLY at ease in each others company. We can be ourselves together – no need to think about what we’re saying to each other, just say it! When we’re apart, we long for each others company again. We regularly think of each other. Yearn to share experiences of life together.
Love for me is just that. Being your true self with someone. No ‘airs’, no ‘graces’, just honest reality. Being accepted for who you are, warts and all!! (bit like Jesus and humans really…but that’s another story!! ;-)
Wrote the following comment on Aug 11, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Obligatory “Night at the Roxbury” reference:
https://ckjcwf.ytmnd.com/
Wrote the following comment on Aug 12, 2008 at 5:24 am
I didn’t watch the video Simon. Being the son of two neuroscientists I think I’ve had my fill of this kind of talk, but of love all I can tell you is that it’s a four letter word.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 13, 2008 at 9:45 pm
What is love?
Baby don’t hurt me
Don’t hurt me
No more
Wrote the following comment on Aug 14, 2008 at 12:53 am
Ah, Mark beat you to that one Matt, but hey, you’re not the only person to make the connection to that song :-)
Wrote the following comment on Aug 14, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I can tell you, love is GREAT! :)
Those TED talks are so good, so impassioned and interesting. But I was a little taken aback when she said she created chemistry.com. I’ve never been, but the commercials on TV are just awful. “I vow to always take out the recycling even though I think you’re better at it.” How does that attract someone to a dating site? Odd.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 14, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I guess there’s a reason why she is a scientist and not a marketing professional then.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 14, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Interesting that people react the same…it sucks to be dumped…wonder how my MRI would look- definitely i like the idea of love- watching the kissing scene in Mrs. Winterborne or scenes from The Lakehouse…never the dumping part though…
Wrote the following comment on Aug 21, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Late reply… I found the video fascinating, and it explains a lot to me. That little spot stayed with me a couple of day, reminding me all the times when in-love took me by storm, and the way I felt it wasn’t really love, but persisted with fooling myself it was. It was a mix of lust, fitting together with someone the way survival dictated, and intense energy levels that we shared. Totally addictive.
This little red dot in my brain fits perfectly with what I felt, something dictated by nature.
I find love comes after in-love, when you’re able to still perform the same loving acts with lovers you’re no longer infatuated with, in the face of their imperfection. Love is affirming yourself strongly while affirming the other too. I totally dislike sacrifice, which is based in guilt and fear of rejection. I imagine Christ talked about compassion, not sacrifice, compassion where both parties get stronger instead of one giving in to the other.
Romance is great and I love it, but it’s nothing but a fantasy, a projection of the ideals we create to beat our feeling lonely in our given human form… Just like a good movie. :-)
(HTH ;-)
Wrote the following comment on Aug 22, 2008 at 2:49 am
Good response that Joelle.
Wrote the following comment on Aug 22, 2008 at 10:20 am
LOL! Glad to pass the test. Can I have a gold star please?
Simon, what is love for you, and has it changed now that you’ve read different points of view?
Wrote the following comment on Aug 22, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Gold star is in the post Joelle :-)
What is love to me? Well you know it’s a difficult question isn’t it really. That’s why a number of people haven’t answered it I guess. I’m still wondering, but I’ll say that I agree with you on “Love is affirming yourself strongly while affirming the other too.”
Wrote the following comment on Aug 23, 2008 at 12:05 am
The paradox about that is, this often requires some kind of ego reduction…. Letting go of certain fears and expectations for instance. Life is funny.
Thanks for the star Simon!