Tell me, is this a male thing or am I just a heartless bastard when I confess that I find babies a little boring?
A friend of mine once told me that he wasn’t all that excited about his newborn daughter because she wasn’t yet fully able to interact with him on any truly meaningful level. It was an admission which he later denied, but one which I totally related to.
Make no mistake, it’s not that I dislike babies. Far from it! In fact I am a big fan of the process by which babies are made, and if practice makes perfect then after all these years of practicing I could potentially have a pretty damn near perfect baby one day.
Should that happen then maybe I will develop the curious skill of being able to make out my baby in one of those grainy black and white sonogram ultrasound scans. I have yet to see a baby in one of those pictures so in the event of being shown one I tend to look at it intently while I silently count to 20 or something.
Truth is I was never any good at those ‘magic eye’ pictures that you’re supposed to stare at and wait for the hidden scene to reveal itself to you, and I think sonogram pictures might very well use the same technology.
However, for theatrical purposes I tilt my head to the side a little, squint, and slightly change the angle of the picture. Then, after an appropriate time for thorough inspection of said picture, and usually some assistance ‘seeing’ the baby from the proud mother, I exclaim excitedly ‘Oh yeah! Wow, how cute!’ Of course, this is all for show because once again the magic eye sonogram will reveal no such baby to me.
I sometimes wonder, yet dare not ask, if the men involved in the pregnancy are really as excited as their partner when they look at that fuzzy black and white picture. Do they fake their excitement through fear of admitting that they can’t see the baby? Or perhaps there is a ‘how to’ guide within the pages of those pregnancy books that new parents always seem to have in abundance.
One part of the whole pregnancy process which I imagine is a lot of fun is choosing a name for your baby. Armed with books and old family names to consider, I know some people who are currently doing just that. To them, and indeed anyone else searching for the perfect name for their child, I would like to suggest whatalovelyname.com, a website I came across a while back on a design showcase. The site allows you to pick a name by tradition, or personality trait. You can also search for the meaning of any given name.
Of course, my friends might already have names in mind, names which they gave to imaginary children years ago. That’s not uncomman. In fact my own imaginary son is called ‘Boston’ purely because the name ‘Boston Jones’ just sounds so cool to me. As you might expect though, my imaginary wife isn’t at all enthralled by my suggestion.
In the end though, regardless of the name, the grainy sonograms, the design of the creche, and the cute little clothes, I still find babies a little boring. They poop and cry and as charming as that might be it’s a charm that is mostly lost on me.
I doubt I’m the only person who feels this way, though I may be among only a few who dare admit such a social sin. I suspect that might all change should I ever become a parent, and in fact I would very much hope it does.
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whatalovelyname.com
Babies are boring
Where did my sex kitten go?
It’s not sexy being a bay bore
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Wrote the following comment on Sep 30, 2009 at 9:36 am
Yep babies are boring, I think I said the same to you when Tom & Josh were born. Women have a much more immediate bond, a Fathers bond grows over time. Of course you love them immediately, but it takes a while for them to start doing interesting stuff, when they do, you enjoy them more.
Wrote the following comment on Sep 30, 2009 at 11:11 am
I have just laughed soooo loud Simon Jones…..I’m getting ready for college so can only read some of your latest blog. That was a much needed laugh in a VERY serious few weeks. If I was a man you might take my suggestions about publishing your stuff more seriously.
Ok..enough of that subject/publishing. I can’t go to college without knowing what else you have written…lol or what!! But also something else lurking there. Many levels this blog!! Think I will fetch my breakfast to the laptop and read your thoughts.
Wrote the following comment on Sep 30, 2009 at 1:47 pm
It’s a male thing. And a hunter-gatherer thing. In the hunter-gatherer sense of it all, we were the ones who needed to go out and kill stuff for it to eat, so it makes sense that women, who had to stay with the child (talking historically here) needed to love being around the children a lot more than we did. *nods sagely*
Wrote the following comment on Sep 30, 2009 at 2:22 pm
My current couchsurfer and I just laughed ourselves silly over that second paragraph!
Newborn babies are essentially eating pooping machines. From my experience with my Niece and Nephew they get so much more interesting when they are almost 1. Now they are the 2 people I probably love most in this world. When my 5yr old Niece fell asleep in my arms the other night it was such a lovely experience :) Also there is nothing like the brutal honesty and affection that kids give. The beauty of it is I can hand them back when I am tired!
Now being a parent… much harder me thinks!
And being around my old friends who 90% of have children can be mind numbingly boring…
Wrote the following comment on Sep 30, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Simon we are most certainly soul mates. Yes, babies are dull and I get bored with them faster than they with me. But I think it’s much more socially acceptable to be a woman who doesn’t appreciate babies than a man who doesn’t.
That being said, I LOVE children. They are so fun and awesome and you get to crawl around on the floor and play games with them and ask them silly questions and, when they start to act up, hand them right back to their parents.
Wrote the following comment on Sep 30, 2009 at 4:55 pm
This might be a cliche line from a movie, but I think it applies: Women become mothers when they are pregnant. Men become fathers when they see the baby.
I think it’s more difficult for men to be enthralled by all the baby stuff. You’re not really experiencing the deep transformation within you. And sonograms will be a grainy picture until the 6th month at the very least, because that is when the baby starts to look human. So you have to go through 6 months of watching your wife (or girlfriend) slowly become a pogo ball before you can really see any real progress. You might be tempted to believe it’s all that extra ice cream she’s been eating.
But I digress. Are babies a little boring? Sure. But think about it this way: They’ve been in a warm, cozy (if a little cramped near the end), comfortable home for 9 months. Then they come out, and it’s cold, loud, and a big ‘wtf’ is probably going through their minds. It’s a big change, yet in about a year, they will learn to smile, crawl, sit, walk, and begin to talk. So let ’em sleep the shock off for a bit. Soon enough they’ll be as entertaining as a barrel of monkeys. ^^
(Oh, I have my baby names picked out too. And I like Boston! Maybe CreamPie can be the middle one. ^.~).
Wrote the following comment on Sep 30, 2009 at 5:25 pm
i love this post, simon. i can’t see the ultrasound pics either. i bet when the mother gets that pic it’s the doctor showing her where the baby is that even allows her to see the baby in all that fuzz. hopefully technology is improving all that.
Wrote the following comment on Sep 30, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I think that before I had my son just under a year ago then I would have said the same, and I suppose to a certain extent I find that about other peoples babies now, but when it is your own it is completely different.
Wrote the following comment on Oct 1, 2009 at 2:31 am
I have to agree with Lisa Joy as i too laughed at your second paragraph, even more so as i know you’re only telling the truth!
I’m currently in the process of selecting suitable names (along with my wife of course) for the impending arrival of our bundle of joy. joy in the chaotic sleep drived meaning of the word you all understand ;0) As we’ve been discussing this monumental decision that will affect our childs whole life the thought of potential ‘nicknames’ has become part of the selection process,baring this in mind i laughed even more when you shared the potential name for your ‘perfect’ child…
So is it a coincidence that your child should have initials that reflect your love of the whole baby making process! ;0)
Wrote the following comment on Oct 1, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Hilarious!. I nearly choked on my cup of tea when I read the second paragraph.
Wrote the following comment on Oct 2, 2009 at 12:00 am
“I am a big fan of the process by which babies are made” – I laughed so hard!
Don’t worry though Simon. You’re not alone, plenty of people are bored by babies.
Wrote the following comment on Oct 3, 2009 at 2:13 am
On a show called “My Name Is Earl” there was an episode where Earl was in church and everyone was confessing sins, weaknesses, frustrations, etc, and one man, who had about 8 kids, stands up and says, “I don’t like kids. I just like making them.” All his children turn and look at him in dismay, while his wife is mildly mortified. Good show, good episode.
Wrote the following comment on Oct 9, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I think babies are adorable! They’re like the purest form of human love and vulnerability. Come on Simon, where’s your inner father instinct?
Wrote the following comment on Oct 10, 2009 at 10:30 pm
You’re not a heartless bastard at all, I’m a mum and I agree entirely!
Babies are 5% cute and 95% hard work – much more exciting once they start to communicate and then it begins to seem worthwhile having gone through the sleep deprivation that in any other circumstance would be defined as torture and probably prohibited by the Geneva convention.
Now my daughter is 4 i’m having an absolute ball. Incidentally, she thinks it’s fantastic that when she was inside my tummy I simply called her “tadpole” – well, it is what they look like if you can make anything out at all!
Wrote the following comment on Nov 22, 2009 at 7:33 pm
You’re a asshole! When you have your own kid then maybe you will learn to look outside yourself – asshole!